The other day I was challenged over a post I put on my facebook page, the post read, ‘I spent 3 years surrounded by people in a community and they were the loneliest years of my life. Now if I choose to be alone it’s because I want to, not because I don’t need to’.

They asked me if I had to be so negative about my experience at the community as “it’s what you make of it” they said and if I had to voice it on FB off all places where 100s of people would read it.  To which I replied, ‘Yes’. Obviously they stopped reading after ‘loneliest years of my life’ and didn’t read the rest which continued to say that these days if I was alone it’s because ‘I want to, not because I don’t need to’

Those 3 years could count for some of the darkest of my life but also the most enlightening.  Without the darkness  you cannot appreciate light.  I needed those 3 years to be as they were and they were perfect with all their imperfection.  I needed to experience what I did to make the decisions I have made and will continue to make.  This is cause and effect in play.  Perhaps it was just to confronting for him, perhaps it was shadow work because he himself may feel that he doesn’t belong. Perhaps he wishes he could have been there more for me.  I don’t know and I don’t need to know his reasons because that is his journey.

My life, although some may think it’s a bed of roses has it fair share of thorns.  I don’t wear rosey colored glasses and tip to through tulips with flowers in my hair.  I actually consider myself a pragmatic person who chooses to accept life for what it is rather than try to understand the whys.  I tried understanding the whys and I became suicidal from the repeating victim story that I was constantly relating to until I realized that I am more than that.

My spirit cannot be broken, but my ego is fragile and can be shattered with a single word or gesture.  These days I give myself permission to feel and express emotions (hence the post) but from the spirit not the ego (as much).  If a friend shares her pain with me I cry because she is in pain and I am part of her, this is compassion – spirit.  If I get angry over something stupid someone says because they misinterpret my words it is a waste of energy – ego.  How can I get angry if they don’t know what they are saying?  Yes, they understand the words they are saying but they have not understood the point to begin with!

It is ok to be alone with yourself, it’s ok to feel angry and hurt and sad.  But understand where the emotions are coming from ego or spirit.  Where is the emotion, does it have a colour or smell, why did it happen?  Be aware of where in the body this emotion is, be conscious of how much energy you give the emotion.  Watch your emotions like a cloud in the sky, see it coming over, let it rain if you have too but let it pass.  Don’t hang onto it because it will do you damage.  Always remember that after a storm the sun will shine again.  Accept the bad in life so you can appreciate the good.

So without those three years I would not have experienced this, or maybe I would have, I don’t know?  What I do know is that it is what it is and it’s perfect.